Since the last time I posted I have been battling myself and the enemy for many things, but mostly on my decision to continue homeschooling or not. Last year around this time I felt God calling me to homeschool my kids, but I had a ton of personal reservations and I fought him on the idea, but eventually I saw it his way and chose to homeschool the kids this year. The year was going great until about the beginning of December late November when things took a turn for the worse and we hit a brick wall. The first two weeks in December where so rough I decided we should take winter break early and revisit homeschooling after the holidays. Well during the break I decided it was our curriculum that was making us all crazy so I decided it was time to let go of it and try something new. We got back from break and I went out and bought several new work books and we went to work, but things did not go as I had imagined them to, and we found ourselves still in the same position but with the added stress of a new curriculum. Our happy fun days had turned into tearfilled screaming matches and lots of sit down and do this or else. Homeschool had become they very thing I never wanted it to be and I found myself so stressed out that I wasn't even sure how we would finish out the year. Then I decided, by emotions, that homeschooling just wasn't what God called me to and that I must have heard him wrong. I went and started looking at schools for next year. I could see the heart break in Ethan's eyes but I was so over how things had been I didn't care if going back to public school was what he wanted or not, I only knew I wasn't fit to do it another year, couldn't do it another year.
During this time our Sunday service message had been on the "First" since it was a new year. He talked about how busy we have all become and he demonstrated with the help of rocks in a jar that when we try to put God, family, and serving last there isn't enough room in the jar for everything else in our day, but when we put what's important in the jar first, God, family, and serving then we have plenty of space in the day for everything else. This message hit me hard and I had tears in my eyes through almost every part of this series. I began to feel God tug and pull at my heart about my choice to quit homeschooling but I sadly tried not listening to him because the enemy had already begun his work in showing me how "easy" life would be if I put the kids in public school next year. He suduced me with the one thing I don't hardly ever get (unless I stay up super late) time do the things I want to do. I went back and forth every day, and sometimes every miute of the day. I found myself trying to convince myself and friends who have been on this journey with me that I really didn't hear God and that it was my flesh that chose to homeschool. I told Eddie that I wasn't going to continue homeschooling and although I could see and sense his disappointment he didn't try to talk me into continuing but instead tried to talk me though what I was feeling and thinking. I knew he wasn't happy with my choice of not continuing but the gracious man he is never told me I had to continue even though he knew homeschooling is what is best for our family.
I continued to pray and seek God through bible study and soon came to a clear reality that I was called to homeschooling and that it wasn't working because I removed the very reason I began homeschooling in the first place. I got so cught up in trying to be like other homeschool families that I felt the pressure that my kids were behind, so I stopped doing morning prayer time for myself and with the kids, I stopped having the kids do Bible because all the other subjects such as math, science and english were so much more important to get completed. It hit me, when I removed God, the reason I homeschool, from our day everything else didn't fit. I was no longer putting what was important first! The very reason to homeschool my kids was to allow them to grow closer to God, yet I their role model only taught them how to get caught up in the things of the world.
I knew at that moment my chains were broken and I knew I was called to homeschool and if I would put God first and teach according to the way he has called me everything else in my jar would fit. I knew I had to change my daily schedule and remove some things we had been doing in order to put what was important first. This week we stuck to that schedule. I had my morning quiet time with God, the kids had their prayer and Bible study and you know what the rest of our day and week was joyful.
Father, how easily we can become distracted by the things of this world. Forgive me father for I have fallen short and fell to the temptation of the world. Thank you Lord for always gently correcting me and never leaving my side. May I always remember to put what is important first. In your name I pray Amen!
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