A moment in my shoes

I have been battling myself about writing this post for some time now, and I've found myself writing it but deleting it several times. Today God showed me the courage I needed to take this step through another friends blog post. Her openness showed me how important it is to speak out so people understand, even if just for a moment what our lives are like.

My life has been anything but "normal" since Lauren had her first seizures. I can picture that very day like it is happening right now. In that moment I felt every emotion imaginable. I feared for my daughters life, I panicked because I didn't know what to do, I cried out for help and was so grateful to the people who stopped to assist us, I begged God not to take my little girl, I felt relieved when the ambulance showed up to help, I felt helpless as a mother, and I felt angry when I was told they didn't find a cause for her seizures that day. I've never felt so numb in my life than I did that moment.

Most people like to assume that our lives just move on as normal once she was put on a medicine. They think that Epilepsy is like a cold, not that serious, and from someone who was once oblivious about Epilepsy I can understand and relate to those assumptions. I wish with everything that I have that Epilepsy wasn't as serious as it is, and it breaks my heart how many people suffer with this condition, yet it's still not as know as breast cancer.

Every day I wake up and immediately check to see if my little girl made it through the night, praising Him for allowing her to be with us one more day. For her sake I try and allow her to be as much of a five year old as she can be, but as I watch her doing every day things such as walking up and down our stairs my heart races. You see seizures happen out of no where. Sometimes they come with warnings and we are able to assist her and lay her some where safe but that generally isn't the case, so doing every day normal things become a hazard for her. I live every moment of every day wondering if today will be a good day or seizure day, panicked by any thump I hear fearing she has fallen and is having a seizure, not being able to allow her to bathe alone, worried while watching movies or being near flashing lights.  I spend time concerned about her future, will she be able to drive, or live alone. Seizures aren't something you just forget about until they happen, they are apart of our every day life. 

In the beginning of all this I was open to others about all the emotions I was feeling, but I soon started getting the feeling that people were tired of me crying over something that doesn't necessarily happen every day. I began to lock up how I was feeling and what I was going through, feeling as if what I felt was wrong. 

Being a parent is hard work, and we often spend days worried about our children's safety, their daily life and their future, but adding to the mix taking care of a child with seizures makes parenting that much harder. I am grateful to God for trusting us to care for such a precious child. I know He has a plan for her life, and for her having to endure the burden of seizures, but I won't pretend that I haven't spent nights begging Him to heal her and remove this burden. This has been a rough journey so far especially with not having any answers. This journey has brought our family closer to God and to each other and has opened the door for me to meet some amazing families who deal with Epilepsy and know just what I'm feeling and enduring. For this I am grateful. 

If you you aren't familiar with Epilepsy please take the time to educate yourself on the proper ways to assist someone who is having a seizure as well as making yourself aware of the many different forms of seizures. Please visit the Epilepsy Foundation page at http://www.epilepsyfoundation.org/ and try and support your local foundation.

Please continue to pray for our sweet little girl and the millions of people affected by Epilepsy.

Summer Bucket List

Wow, what a roller coaster of a year we had. I'm so excited to say WE MADE it through our first year of homeschooling. The year didn't go at all as planned but it was a year of learning about each other and our learning differences. We hit many road blocks throughout the year and it even came close to me throwing in the towel and never homeschooling again. Thankfully I have a huge support team that has helped me see that the first year is always the hardest. My homeschooling friends have listened to all our struggles with personalities and curriculum and have helped me come up with a new game plan for this up coming school year. Homeschooling is what God has called me to do and I plan on doing it until he tells me other wise, even when we hit the bumps. I've learned so much about my kids and the relationship I want us as family to share. This year was so much more than just meeting our academic responsibilities, it has been about growing closer to God and each other. Although I have days where I want to run and hide, I really wouldn't want it any other way. With this I close out our first year of homeschooling, looking forward to a not so bummer summer. To make sure our summer is fun I've joined it with many other bloggers in creating a summer bucket list. You can check it out below.

Purple Day

March 26 of every year year is know as Epilepsy Purple day. This is something I have learned since Lauren was diagnosed with Epilepsy in August of 2011. Prior to Lauren's diagnoses I sadly must admit that I knew nothing of this day, nor did I really understand or know what Epilepsy was and I find that very common among most people. Since Lauren's diagnoses our family has gained so much knowledge about Epilepsy and how it effects so many more people than something like breast cancer, yet the foundation is under recognized and doesn't receive much funding or community fundraising beyond those who are or know someone with Epilepsy. Epilepsy sadly isn't the only foundation that is under recognized but it is a condition that effects more people. Every 4 minutes someone is diagnosed with Epilepsy and the life they once knew is forever changed, I know ours has.

It is becoming clearer and clear what my mission is with being blessed with a daughter who has Epilepsy and I'm seeking God through prayer and stillness for the steps he wants me to take. I know our God has big plans for all that we are enduring and I plan on staying faithful through the end, especially during the times it gets rough and praising him each step of the way.

I am asking each of you to please honor my sweet princess Lauren and the millions of others effected by Epilepsy by wearing Purple on March 26th!

Looking Up and Moving Forward

Wow what an awesome two weeks we've had. It's so amazing how things fall into order when you put your priorities in order and most importantly STICK to it. The kids and I have learned so much these past two weeks and are loving all our new curriculum. Lauren has been participating so much more and is catching on so fast.

I've also decided that I will be committing another year to homeschooling both the kids (we agreed to take it year by year). I've already went ahead and bought all the curriculum we need to continue through the summer (its far too hot to play out side in the summer here) and onto the next year. It's the curriculum we've already begun to use and we are loving all of it so far.

I know homeschooling is what is best for our family right now and I know its what God has called me to do, and although I still have my doubts and my fears, I'm waking each morning giving our day and school to the Lord and following his lead. I know I'm not equipped to teach my kids but God is and since he has called me to it he is equipping me through it.

Raising Money For Epilepsy

Please help support our efforts in raising money for the Epilepsy Foundation in Lauren's honor. We will be participating in an Epilepsy walk on March 24Th.



http://eftx.donordrive.com/participant/LaurensHope

Aries Herrera

Just some fun pictures of our sweet four legged family member. She is such a gentle giant and our hearts are filled with joy now that she is apart of our family.

Headed to her new home in El Paso, Texas

Playing with her new toy

Loving on Ethan

She found daddy asleep on the couch and she thinks he needs to wake up

She thinks she is a little lap dog

Our beuatiful gentle giant Aries Herrera

Putting what's important first

Since the last time I posted I have been battling myself and the enemy for many things, but mostly on my decision to continue homeschooling or not. Last year around this time I felt God calling me to homeschool my kids, but I had a ton of personal reservations and I fought him on the idea, but eventually I saw it his way and chose to homeschool the kids this year. The year was going great until about the beginning of December late November when things took a turn for the worse and we hit a brick wall. The first two weeks in December where so rough I decided we should take winter break early and revisit homeschooling after the holidays. Well during the break I decided it was our curriculum that was making us all crazy so I decided it was time to let go of it and try something new. We got back from break and I went out and bought several new work books and we went to work, but things did not go as I had imagined them to, and we found ourselves still in the same position but with the added stress of a new curriculum. Our happy fun days had turned into tearfilled screaming matches and lots of sit down and do this or else. Homeschool had become they very thing I never wanted it to be and I found myself so stressed out that I wasn't even sure how we would finish out the year. Then I decided, by emotions, that homeschooling just wasn't what God called me to and that I must have heard him wrong. I went and started looking at schools for next year. I could see the heart break in Ethan's eyes but I was so over how things had been I didn't care if going back to public school was what he wanted or not, I only knew I wasn't fit to do it another year, couldn't do it another year.

During this time our Sunday service message had been on the "First" since it was a new year. He talked about how busy we have all become and he demonstrated with the help of rocks in a jar that when we try to put God, family, and serving last there isn't enough room in the jar for everything else in our day, but when we put what's important in the jar first, God, family, and serving then we have plenty of space in the day for everything else. This message hit me hard and I had tears in my eyes through almost every part of this series. I began to feel God tug and pull at my heart about my choice to quit homeschooling but I sadly tried not listening to him because the enemy had already begun his work in showing me how "easy" life would be if I put the kids in public school next year. He suduced me with the one thing I don't hardly ever get (unless I stay up super late) time do the things I want to do. I went back and forth every day, and sometimes every miute of the day. I found myself trying to convince myself and friends who have been on this journey with me that I really didn't hear God and that it was my flesh that chose to homeschool. I told Eddie that I wasn't going to continue homeschooling and although I could see and sense his disappointment he didn't try to talk me into continuing but instead tried to talk me though what I was feeling and thinking. I knew he wasn't happy with my choice of not continuing but the gracious man he is never told me I had to continue even though he knew homeschooling is what is best for our family.

I continued to pray and seek God through bible study and soon came to a clear reality that I was called to homeschooling and that it wasn't working because I removed the very reason I began homeschooling in the first place. I got so cught up in trying to be like other homeschool families that I felt the pressure that my kids were behind, so I stopped doing morning prayer time for myself and with the kids, I stopped having the kids do Bible because all the other subjects such as math, science and english were so much more important to get completed. It hit me, when I removed God, the reason I homeschool, from our day everything else didn't fit. I was no longer putting what was important first! The very reason to homeschool my kids was to allow them to grow closer to God, yet I their role model only taught them how to get caught up in the things of the world.

I knew at that moment my chains were broken and I knew I was called to homeschool and if I would put God first and teach according to the way he has called me everything else in my jar would fit. I knew I had to change my daily schedule and remove some things we had been doing in order to put what was important first. This week we stuck to that schedule. I had my morning quiet time with God, the kids had their prayer and Bible study and you know what the rest of our day and week was joyful.

Father, how easily we can become distracted by the things of this world. Forgive me father for I have fallen short and fell to the temptation of the world. Thank you Lord for always gently correcting me and never leaving my side. May I always remember to put what is important first. In your name I pray Amen!